Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Tired.


Just tired. Just tired. Just tired.
Of everything. everything. everything...

No, this isn't my breaking point. I am sure there are worse things that could happen to me like get run over by a truck. But, seriously, after sometime it gets brutally annoying living life in the 'clause' lane with all the 'ifs'. 'buts' and 'someone is always suffering more than you'. Enough of that.
I am a lonely person, and the people who should be cuddly-dooing me, are not and it hurts. I am so sick of being treated like a man. I am constantly feeling like a lesser being and when random people are telling me something positive about my looks or personality, I look at them like they are speaking yiddish. Really. It's funny actually but I never considered myself to be a uber-hip, pretty, all-rounded girl who has everything going for her. Never. Sure, frown upon it but its true. I am trying to be very open with my feelings tonight because I realized that none of that metaphorical innuendo was doing it for me. Not sure if this is doing it for me.---well at least its some kind of a wake-up call seeing it typed out. I hope it is. Then there's the thesis/capstone stress. A little over a month away from my defense and I have jack prepared. Bill's paper--- don't even want to articulate whats on my mind regarding that. The rent going up suddenly---bills, bills, bills. And here's a final confession---I have never gone on spring break. Always been here in the ruff buff doing my thing...this time too, I am staying here, going to be working and doing school work...Oh and I have gained weight, my hips are ginormous but you know what, I don't care---no one cares. Wow, I am really pissed tonight, am'nt I ? Argh I just want to go home to my mommy so she can hug me and keep me warm in her arms. No one cares like mommy (for me at least)... Sometimes I wish I was 5 and could be home, playing with my kitchen set and watch mighty mouse. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want the American dream. I am not American. I just want some appreciation for being who I am --and not getting that even a bit can be quite painful. Now I shall go to bed, hyperventilate and grit my teeth and do all the numerous stress-related stuff I do until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.
Everyone, this by no means was a call for sympathy. I am just writing things that I should confront for my own good...