Being autonomous...

...is great if one knows how to be autonomous and not fear it. I suck at it royally. I fear loneliness more than darkness, insects, bad odor and clowns. Look at this little fairy like creature, look at the expression on her face. So sure of doing what she's doing. So content, so free, so self-governing. Beautiful. I must say that I am learning to become more independent than before. Today I woke up from a rather unrestful night. Its that time of the month and I am one of those few people who don't PMS...I just suck the pain in and lay in my bed thinking about my mom, sister and all my loved ones. Last night for instance I was thinking about that swing I used to sit on in my maternal grandma's house... garden actually. I still remember that day when I sat on that swing when I was about 7 or 8 and thought very seriously that one day everyone staying in this house as a unit will go to different places and this house will become a ghost house, but right after thinking that thought, I shook my head and thought what a dork I was for thinking like that and that it would take a really long time for things to disintegrate. Well time flew by in an instant and everyone is in different places. Okay that was a totally random thought from the past.
I made a turkey sandwich for brunch with some horseradish cheddar cheese (I know, very exotic) and toasted it in the oven for sometime till the cheese got all gooey. This cheese is so reminiscent of wasabi. Gives you that beautiful sinus burning sensation. I worked from 12-2 and then headed to the Student Response Center to confirm a few things about graduation/commencement and the lady tells me that I didn't hand in my degree conferall aplication. Hello! I totally submitted it a month ago. I am so going to sue them if they say they don't have it. I even have Isabella as my witness because we both submitted it together to this brunette lady who took it giving the all-american reply of assurance 'you're all set'. Well, I don't think I am set if some Debbie lost my paperwork while having her Campbells tomato soup. Jeez. Totally have to figure this out on Monday---no sleep till then.
Okay---now I shall indulge in some sweet afternoon nap. Weather outside is brash. I miss maa a lot these days.

A Vow...

I have made a vow to stop writing uber-metaphorical stuff in here due to the fact that it truly doesn't make any sense to anyone other than me. And I also had a self-realization sort of thing about reading blogs...I like reading about real things like what people are doing as opposed to metaphorical rant (I'm one to tell lol). So, this past week has been sort of a mush of a lot of things. My dear friend Tilova has been staying with me since last week. She will be moving to NYC for good as she got a job there. So happy for her. I can't even imagine moving from here any time soon...I feel like my body belongs to this place. Okay that didn't even make sense. As much as I don't like Buffalo, I am very attached to this place because of this whole familiarity-with-the-place thing. In other news, my capstone is progressing at the speed rate of a sea turtle...slower maybe. Trying to pull through that. Maa might be coming for graduation so I am totally psyched about that. *Fingers crossed* During undergrad commencement, none of the home folks were able to make it which made me miss my commencement because I really didn't see any reason to go. Yes, I am a loser. I did wear the gown for like a hot second and took some pictures but missed the walk. L-oser Me. So, a lot of people are getting sick and I am sensing I am going to be soon on the bandwagon. I just made some asparagus and brussels sprouts with garlic, olive oil and soy sauce. Good stuff. I need to buy more veggies because my skin and hair has not been behaving lately. Oh so tomorrow is International Fiesta, this big cultural event at UB. Wow, this is like the 6th fiesta since I came to UB, dang. So I volunteered to help serve food tomorrow during the dinner part of the event for BSA (Bangladeshi Student Association). Can't be too bothered to attend the show or the after-party...I know there's a mob of angry people because of that but just don't feel like it. Sorry. Hope you all have a fabulous time though! I am not really the going out type of person but if it is someone real close to me and they really want me to go, I go for a bit. But my scene is mind-numbingly boring. I'd rather be home, either cooking or watching some sitcom while munching some buttery carbs or creamy dessert with the heater turned on of course. Okay---got to get ready for work.

broken

Shattered dreams awakened,
Expectations all lost.
Sunny hopes just melting,
Smiling thoughts are frost.
Feelings are just gushing,
A great big fall.
Love is very important,
but not to all.

Why am I so weak?
Why am I still stuck?
The heart needs to be stronger.
The mind needs to be smarter.

I need to face this storm
And soon I shall start.
Because no one is hurting much,
other than my heart.


Yes , I am at a low point in my life. Silly poetry won't do anything. I think I want to disappear for sometime....
see you later

Fairy tales...

....don't happen.

Life goes on...or does it?

...So those are supposed to be the trends for spring this year. They've also mentioned that rosy cheeks, thick brows and straight strands are the 'in' things. Either that or they just people to purchased the $119 T3 flat iron. Oh what I would do for a GHD iron--apparently it is supposed to be the best. Currently I am using the CHI 2 inches. It's just about okay...I usually just straighten the bangs around my face to give some structure to my otherwise haphazard hair...and face. That wasn't a rant---just an itch :).




On a more serious note, I was devastated after finding out about the NIU shooting. What is this world coming to? I haven't been able to sleep at night, thinking about all those victims. They probably just went to class like happy campers, not even expecting to die in their wildest dreams. Oh god, why can't this coutnry have stricter gun control. Oh read this --The Green Bay, Wis., gun dealer who sold Northern Illinois University killer Stephen Kazmierczak empty magazines and a holster for a semi-automatic pistol also sold a gun to the killer in the worst mass shooting in modern U.S. history.


Just hope all those innocent souls rest in peace.

The day of ranting...

Yes, I am about to rant. So if you are one of those people who exclusively like to read sunny, shiny, happy blogs- you've come to the wrong place. And what is the big deal in ranting anyways? Everyone rants or hyperventilates (whichever synonym you prefer to use)--either to their friends, to themselves, or to their blogs. If you don't rant, you are blessed and I am very happy for you. I used to be one of them too...when I was 5.

Today I would like to rant about myself.

Lately, everything important in my life has been falling apart and while I am not to blame for some of them, I am very much to blame for many of them.
Firstly, I am a self-certified emotional wreck. Always thinking too much about what other people think about me. When I say people, I mean even if I said something wrong to my mom's cousins mom, I would not be able to sleep at night thinking about it. It gets me into a little too much trouble sometimes but that doesn't stop this unstoppable surge of over-consciousness about every joe shmoe in me.
Secondly, I can't be selfish about what is good for me. For example if I like to eat tiramisu and my friend likes to eat cheesecake, I will forfeit my choice and go with the cheesecake every single time. Gosh how I abhor this attribute about myself.
All other problems are to live in my heart for now and probably die there someday too...but not anytime soon. Somewhere along that line I begin to lose myself.

And thats exactly where I am stuck today...I am beginning to lose myself. School isn't going as well as I would hope for it too...few kinks need to be ironed here and there. And those kinks are not my doings...go figure. There's domestic related issues too....and then buffalo being constantly freezing cold, grey and gloomy doesn't help either. I really wish I could put every single thing on here as explicitly as possible, but I can't. It would render too many questions, problems, etc. Apologies to those who are reading this and cringing about why I just can't be grateful and stop complaining about mundane problems. To them I can only say, to each her own.

um..Okay I'll add a little happy tidbit here so people know that I am not all sour. Had a light supper with some good friend, Julie and Shalaiwah. Such amazing girls with lots of positive energy and always there to listen. And another note, I know I am only 24 and have lived only a quarter of my life and haven't seen 'life' yet...again--to each her own.

Good night everyone...I promise to feel better soon.

Brrrr it's cold in here!

It is so so cold. Didn't sleep at all night because my entire body was awake trying to produce heat. The net thingy outside my window kind of ripped and my room is so soooo cold.
Argh. Have to go to work and make up for some lost hours.

The weekend was awesome though. Lots of good food, lots of good people...lots of good times!
Can't wait till all this snow melts and the sun is glistening...

Deadlines, moody weather and lipids...

The three things making my otherwise pleasant life rather unpleasant.
Theres more to that list but those are the more eminent ones.
Today we had the fun Chinese (Lunar) New Years Party from work at Golden Duck.
Oh my god! It was a great buffet. Loved the shrimp and scallops. They were batter-fried and placed in this citrusy-creamy sauce with walnuts. Delish. Not very Chinese tasting though. I also liked the tofu dumplings. I am not big on Tofu but this was fried and tasted almost like seafood. The dessert was really innovative---almond jelly. Hmm...wasn't too crazy about that.
Had some great dinner conversation with Katie (whom I don't get to talk to too often), Joanna, Isabella, etc. Good times.
Now working on some school stuff. Capstone is getting me a little stressed. Actually little is an understatement.
Okay time to work :)

Leaky day!

OH MY GOD!
Big, big leak in my ceiling! Couldn't sleep at all last night, so, so, so tired.

Okay those were the big headlines.
So yesterday, I was all cozy in my apartment, watching Ugly Betty, eating sweet potatoes and curled up under my duvets. Right when it struck 12 midnight and I was all ready to go to bed, people upstairs started partying like crazy. Being obnoxiously loud, thumping, jumping, yelling, screaming, etc. and I was trying my best to block out all the sound and go to sleep. Didn't work. So, finally, at about 6am I went to sleep...then at 7am I hear 'pitter-patter' sounds. What could it be? A ginormous leak in my ceiling. I was seriously perturbed. I took all my pots and pans out and laid them on the floor below the leaks. The leak kept spreading I was getting a panic attack.
Atanu came at noon and we went to Lowes and then Wal-Mart to get some pails and stuff. Spent like $20 there. What would I have done without Atu? Thanks Atanu...you're an angel.
We then pigged out at Taco Bell and then came to my apt to check out the leak.
Everything pretty alright up to now but you ever know. We then went to the gym for a bit to get all that stress out. Now, I am in my room---it's cold in here because all the insulation is messed up. The cause of the leak by the way was because the roof of my side of the building blew off during the wind storm. What flimsy fittings...eww. and staying here costs a fortune! Go figure.

Moist carrot cake...

...is what I am craving this stormy, gray evening in the ruff buff.
and of course some lovin' wouldn't hurt either.
Watching ugly betty all night long till I can't keep my eyes open any longer :)

Skeletons in the closet...

Very, very random thought racing through my mind.
I think everyone should spend a good amount of their life to discover them self thoroughly. And once they have completely discovered themselves, well okay there are exceptions of those who don't quite attain 'complete' self-discovery (I could mildly fit into that category but not like I become a new person everyday!), they should then consider themselves fit to make relationships. Be it friends, lovers, etc. This way the person on the other end is not taken on a joyride (not) for as long as they know that person.

A dear girl friend had a slight dispute with her significant other. Although she tells me its dispute, the bawling and angry words don't quite tell me so. She recently found out that her boyfriend of 5 years was smoking cigarettes, gambling and doing a whole lot of other things that can't be considered favorable by conventional societal standards. He obviously hid all this from her. Other than that, he was the model boyfriend. Never eying other girls, always on top of his work (very liked by all at his work place) and also maintained some great ethics. That's when I started pondering over this whole 'self-discovery' thing. So this guy is a healthy (not healthy really but anyways,) mixture of good and evil. He probably dabbles in substance abuse to keep his sanity(?). Then why would he want to hide this side of him? My girl friend is a pretty broad-minded girl and has a few loopholes herself. So wouldn't it be okay for her to know this 'other' side of her boyfriend? Well, right now they are on their umpteenth break and with the way things are going, doesn't look like a sunny tomorrow to me.
My request would then be that all guys (in relationships especially) shouldn't hide things in fear of losing their loved ones. Once those secrets surface, things get more uglier than they would have originally perceived them to be.
To my dear girl friend, please don't feel abandoned. There are others out there who have spent eons with their partners and even die without knowing many, many secrets about their significant other. I bet there are girls who do the same but studies do show that men tend to hide much, much, much...much more than women do. I think we women need to become more chummy with men and tell them that we wouldn't go totally beserk if we found a a nude picture of Paris Hilton under their pillows as long as it isn't Paris Hilton herself :)...

maybe its because we girls don't drink beer. lol.

Okay enough babble, now gym time. My beautiful, stone-washed express jeans are getting a tad too tight---